It's so good to be here
Always nostalgic for old days, you know I saw Digable Planets 3 times back in the early nineties, one time with Anna at UMBC that was a good time, some of those times were good, you know, formative years. I saw the Spinanes sometime ago as well, I don't remember well, did they play with Unrest, no, it was Lois. How many hours did I spend standing in the old 930 club back when F street was sketchy and filled with peep shows and bookstores, when Stereolab played an in-store at Velvet Ink in Silver Spring. What happened to Velvet Ink? What happened to Go! Records in Arlington, when Arlington was just a regular kind-of-beat family neighborhood? For that matter, what happened to Arlington?
I want to go back to those days, I want those years back, I want a do over, I want out of this world of creeping hairlines and beltlines. What are these wrinkles doing on my forehead, what is this house I live in, what is this job where I spend my life, I want those years back! I want to read Vollmann for the first time, I want to read a thousand books for the first time, I want to read the Invisible Man for the first time, hell, I want to read The Firm for the first time.
Everything was so important. It's not like now, where everything really IS important, not the mundane importance of paying bills on time, doing well at my job, being a normal contributor to society, and being a good husband, but the importance of 'god, this scrawl song really speaks to me' or 'I'm so unhappy, maybe I should change my major, maybe creative writing' or 'I wonder if Anna is cheating on me'. These things were so important but what did any of that come to? Anna is blip in my past, I'm working a 9 to 5 job, and scrawl, well who has heard of fucking scrawl?
posted by Toe Jaleo @ 12:03 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
i bought Scrawl's "Nature Film" the same time i picked up the Afghan Whigs "1965." October 1998 was a strange time, hell, that entire year. i thought i had it together that January, i had a new focus on my classes, i was upper management for a small but lucrative sign company, religion was a big part of life, and it all seemed like smooth sailing until i graduated in Winter '99.
but i guess i really didn't like American history all that much and dropped out before spring quarter, took a life-changing trip out west that May, nearly died (or at least would have suffered serious injury) on the job that Labor Day, and ended up taking a vacation from life for six months when October came. when i woke up in March '99 i found my faith was lacking, goalless as far as higher education goes, and working in a restaurant, the latter of course always being the end result for those who are rudderless.
since then it's been a series of highs and lows, but you know all the rest. i'm not so sure it's the freedom that's lacking anymore, it's just the access to it. all along the way since my care- and fancy-free days i know that i've made subtle choices that make it harder to just up and go, leave and start over. i'm also realizing that the older i get, i don't like living in a crappy apartment anymore, i don't like the insecurity that comes with being an hourly employee, paying for my own benefits, always having a number of transient "friends" that come and go as frequently as the jobs. worrying about bills every single month gets old, and having to wake up every day in a rush in order to beat the traffic cops ('cause i can't get a parking permit because i still don't have all the proper paperwork) sucks almost as much as a $25 doller ticket.
i guess what i'm trying to say is that you made the hard choices early on while i'm finally caving in and admitting that in the end, i'd rather have a steady, comfortable paycheck and 1-4 weeks of vacation a year instead of constantly wondering when i'm going to get evicted. when i was 20 i made up my mind that by the time i was 25 i wanted to be married and working on my doctorate. i'm realizing only now that i really don't think i'd like to know that guy, and even the guy that i was back when i was 23, when i thought i knew what freedom was, yeah, i wouldn't like him much either.
not to get all hippieish, but life is a journey, and i really think that the best things are yet to come for both of us. i'm looking forward to this time next year when i'll probably be sitting on some back porch in Madison and wondering why i stayed in Pittsburgh for so long.
TJ, I totally understand your sentimentality. I feel it too, about the stuff I used to do. I also understand Jersn. We have made choices that ultimately have limited many old options. However, I think there is still a lot left to see.
But I love your unchained longing for the past. I didn't appreciate what I had back then, but I'm not sure if I went back with all my knowledge whether I could embrace things differently. I think that in many ways I simply haven't changed much over the course of my life. I mean, I do different things now, I have different habits, routines; live in a different place; I'm married and have sex (regular sex in my early 20s?! It was stuff I only dreamed of); and I know a hell of a lot more stuff; but my disposition and personality are essentially the same. The one thing missing, and I think you might also experience this, too, is that I feel that I have less of a lustre. I've lost the innocence.
Sorry, I'm fricking blabbing. I'm reading Melville righht now and it's affecting my syntax and mood (I've got the "hypos," as he might say).
I'll call you soon.
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