Summer Dress

Longing for youth. M@ invited me to a bunch of shows, but I declined. I don't even know if it's that I don't have energy, somehow that excuse rings false because lately I don't sleep much at all. It's too much like trying to relive those days. Not to say that I'm old, but it feels false to me to try to reach back all those years. My concert going days are over, the excitement I felt back then is not going to come back, and I'm not going to force it. I feel a weird mixture of longing for youth and wanting to keep the past the past. I used to think I might fall victim to a midlife crisis one day, wanting to bring back some 'past' that I had, but the past is compartmentalized, it's tucked in the back of my mind, and like an old guitar pulled out of the closet, it is dusted off, strummed a couple of times badly, and put back.

I had some times when I felt really young. When my time was spent playing guitar and having a band, that was good for me. I was 30 when we started that, but it was my first real band so there was no reaching back for nostalgia. I think about making music like that, but I know that if I do do music again it will never be like that, because it would be false and always fall short. I wonder if that's what happens in midlife crises, these old fuckers try to relive some imaginary past and after some time realize that what they were searching for was false, that they should have been able to find some solace and comfort in the present and not in the past.

J came around recently, and our time together felt so false. A high school friendship well past its time, friends for time's sake, falling back into old roles that we've well grown out of. I still love him, but damn, we've changed, son. You're not a bro like that anymore, I was wrong.

Enough procrastinating. I'll dust off the past every once in a while, but there's a bit to concentrate on right now.