It's all a matter of soul and fire

Good evening. It's good to be 33 today. I haven't bought a cd for myself for what feels like years now, and though there are some I do want to get to fill out my collection (and perhaps ones that may seem unusual like 'I do not want what I haven't got' by Sinead O'Connor and 'Soul Journey' by Gillian Welch and '1000 Hurts' by Shellac and actually I'd like to get 'Strangeways Here We Come' by The Smiths and while I'm at it 'Viva Hate' by Morrissey, too), it's not that high a priority. Lots of things are not that high of a priority. I definitely feel like I'm in between something, like, too old to wear Chuck Taylors but too young to wear khakis, or something. I don't have much desire for new friends. I have a renewed desire to travel and go to places I ain't never been, Thailand seems really interesting lately, and maybe like Egypt or I'd really like to go to Italy, have my love show me the places she's been. I'm not much interested in being going to shows or bars or parties, but I've been hitting noraebangs while in New York (The City, who calls it that, not me, not me), and I love me some Soho, not all fashion, mind you, but it does interest me. I'm a bit obsessed with blue jeans.

Being 33. You know, it's actually an odd time. Recently I've felt like I've finally made some money, got some to burn, but then I get married and realize that while I do well, there are people my age making 5 times what I make, and I feel a deep envy. I covet, I worship false idols, I am aware of this and it feels bad but at the same time it feels normal, I don't know.

I'm married now and thinking that some day I'm going to have a child, maybe two children, and I'm not entirely sure why. This life is so mysterious. Why did I get married? The reasons seemed so much clearer when I was not married. I love my wife, sure, but why did I get married? Maybe it's the same thing as having children, like recognizable phases, or something, like I'm a fucking butterfly. It's so true, though. I put away things as I get older, I don't find video games as satisfying as I used to, new music rarely interests me, I don't know where I'm going.

I work on stuff that goes into space. Really nifty sciency stuff, space age shit for real. We're going to the Space Station, we're looking at the stars, it's so benign and wonderful at the same time. Space age, do you think those astronauts have ever fucked in space? Do you think they masturbate in private, is it better in space than on earth? I don't think I'm especially perverted, but to be honest that shit would be high on my fucking list if I were in motherfuckin' space. I mean sure, stars, horizons, aurora borealis, the motherfuckin' earf, that's all grand and shit, but jerking off in space?

So funny, I'm 33, I'm an adult who puts away childish things but wants to jerk off in space. That's kind of hilarious. Fuck the beauty, gotta check this shit out!

I wonder if I'll be much more mature when I'm 40.