It's all a matter of soul and fire

Good evening. It's good to be 33 today. I haven't bought a cd for myself for what feels like years now, and though there are some I do want to get to fill out my collection (and perhaps ones that may seem unusual like 'I do not want what I haven't got' by Sinead O'Connor and 'Soul Journey' by Gillian Welch and '1000 Hurts' by Shellac and actually I'd like to get 'Strangeways Here We Come' by The Smiths and while I'm at it 'Viva Hate' by Morrissey, too), it's not that high a priority. Lots of things are not that high of a priority. I definitely feel like I'm in between something, like, too old to wear Chuck Taylors but too young to wear khakis, or something. I don't have much desire for new friends. I have a renewed desire to travel and go to places I ain't never been, Thailand seems really interesting lately, and maybe like Egypt or I'd really like to go to Italy, have my love show me the places she's been. I'm not much interested in being going to shows or bars or parties, but I've been hitting noraebangs while in New York (The City, who calls it that, not me, not me), and I love me some Soho, not all fashion, mind you, but it does interest me. I'm a bit obsessed with blue jeans.

Being 33. You know, it's actually an odd time. Recently I've felt like I've finally made some money, got some to burn, but then I get married and realize that while I do well, there are people my age making 5 times what I make, and I feel a deep envy. I covet, I worship false idols, I am aware of this and it feels bad but at the same time it feels normal, I don't know.

I'm married now and thinking that some day I'm going to have a child, maybe two children, and I'm not entirely sure why. This life is so mysterious. Why did I get married? The reasons seemed so much clearer when I was not married. I love my wife, sure, but why did I get married? Maybe it's the same thing as having children, like recognizable phases, or something, like I'm a fucking butterfly. It's so true, though. I put away things as I get older, I don't find video games as satisfying as I used to, new music rarely interests me, I don't know where I'm going.

I work on stuff that goes into space. Really nifty sciency stuff, space age shit for real. We're going to the Space Station, we're looking at the stars, it's so benign and wonderful at the same time. Space age, do you think those astronauts have ever fucked in space? Do you think they masturbate in private, is it better in space than on earth? I don't think I'm especially perverted, but to be honest that shit would be high on my fucking list if I were in motherfuckin' space. I mean sure, stars, horizons, aurora borealis, the motherfuckin' earf, that's all grand and shit, but jerking off in space?

So funny, I'm 33, I'm an adult who puts away childish things but wants to jerk off in space. That's kind of hilarious. Fuck the beauty, gotta check this shit out!

I wonder if I'll be much more mature when I'm 40.

Summer Dress

Longing for youth. M@ invited me to a bunch of shows, but I declined. I don't even know if it's that I don't have energy, somehow that excuse rings false because lately I don't sleep much at all. It's too much like trying to relive those days. Not to say that I'm old, but it feels false to me to try to reach back all those years. My concert going days are over, the excitement I felt back then is not going to come back, and I'm not going to force it. I feel a weird mixture of longing for youth and wanting to keep the past the past. I used to think I might fall victim to a midlife crisis one day, wanting to bring back some 'past' that I had, but the past is compartmentalized, it's tucked in the back of my mind, and like an old guitar pulled out of the closet, it is dusted off, strummed a couple of times badly, and put back.

I had some times when I felt really young. When my time was spent playing guitar and having a band, that was good for me. I was 30 when we started that, but it was my first real band so there was no reaching back for nostalgia. I think about making music like that, but I know that if I do do music again it will never be like that, because it would be false and always fall short. I wonder if that's what happens in midlife crises, these old fuckers try to relive some imaginary past and after some time realize that what they were searching for was false, that they should have been able to find some solace and comfort in the present and not in the past.

J came around recently, and our time together felt so false. A high school friendship well past its time, friends for time's sake, falling back into old roles that we've well grown out of. I still love him, but damn, we've changed, son. You're not a bro like that anymore, I was wrong.

Enough procrastinating. I'll dust off the past every once in a while, but there's a bit to concentrate on right now.